Reading is dangerous

I recently told a friend ‘reading is dangerous’. I thought I’d expound upon that a little. When I started reading (fifteen months ago), first finding the genre of Lesbian Romance, then lesbian etcetera, I couldn’t help but relate to the stories. At first I thought it was kind of scary, but the more I read and convinced myself that they were just characters, completely made up from someone’s mind I started reading more easily. Sure the scenarios could be real enough, but life is not a romance novel. Beautiful, buxom, lost divorcées do not suddenly appear next to creeks in the mountains for you to rescue and fall in love with; not everyday anyway. I’d been able to create a hazy, warm cocoon of pleasantness around me while reading these stories. They bring a kind of relaxation to me, a chance to get away from the trials of life (loosing hours at work, possibly taking guardianship of our neglected niece and nephew, and the damn bills).  Recently however I’ve discovered an author and a whole other genre of literature which I can only describe best as ‘wholly WTF’? The series I’m reading I shall not name, nor the author. But the general description of the stories is thus; two men meet during the war of Napoleon, they fall in love but when they return to London they require a wife. One of the men marries a fair young maiden and they all three live happily ever after making love to each other, often times at the same time. The books are graphic in their depiction of the sex had between the three lovers. So graphic in fact that they offer a warning of sorts in the front of the book that the contents contain male on male sex scenes, oooo very scary! However what has been scary about reading this series, I’m on book four of eight, has been my reaction to them. Not only am I addicted to them, I’m truly turned on by them. I’ve spent the last week and a half lost not in a ‘hazy warm cocoon of pleasantness’ but a sharp painful state of crude, musky arousal. I will not now or ever condone the burning of books, but I can kind of see why uneducated masses of people would be afraid of them so badly. Books seem to have the power to illicit in us our deepest fears, darkest desires and such. The power of which authors unknowingly wield over young unsuspecting persons. Or even people who are of supposed sound mind and personality. The power that words have is amazing. Edward Bulwer-Lytton was right when he said the ‘pen is mightier than the sword’. It’s a phrase we often joke with, rarely taking it seriously but it is so true on so many levels. Books have the power to mold our minds, not just entertain us, but change that which in us we thought already formed solidly. Perhaps I am just of soft mind enough to be altered by a book, perhaps I’m not ‘well read’ enough to expand my horizons to other genres yet? Whatever the feelings are exploding within me, as terrified as I am to research them closer, I keep returning to the books at the root of it. I think I should pick up some Nancy Drew or Encyclopedia Brown books after this though, maybe a ‘create your own adventure’ book or two. Actually I think returning to a lesbian author and lesbian characters who make lesbian love might bring me back to a comfortable place in life. My wife thinks me a conservative as such because I hate change, perhaps she’s right, and these books with all their liberal ideas are just poisoning my core beliefs system. Bah! Ha! Ha! Did I mention the series takes place in the time after the defeat of Napoleon, thus the Victorian era, old English cadence I seem to be slipping in and out of. Anyway, it’s true I’m not big on change, in me, in my life; the only change I readily approve of is in my undergarments. But having said that, a change of mind as terrifying as it is can be, can also be tantalizing welcome. It’s really quite ridiculous to be thirty-six years old and just now experiencing growing pains of an expanding mind. My head, I find is now so full of ideas, thoughts, stories that’s it’s almost painful. I want nothing more than to rid my mind of these words, but they fill me with such adrenaline; thus I think causing the addiction. So, if I am changing in mind, in life, in world view, I welcome it with open arms and synaptic vesicles!  

Samples

It’s been a while since my last entry. Crazy how time flies, and life changes in what on paper is only three little flips of a calendar. I’ve managed to read twenty-two books so far this year which is something like a book every three days. I’ve not taken out any loans or stolen any money to keep this habit functioning but as of late I have hit a bit of a road block. My hours at work have been cut, slashed, to a mere thirty-two per week. So, I have resorted to downloading free samples of books from B&N. If you’re not familiar with a free sample for the Nook, all it is, is usually the first thirty to forty pages of a book. When you subtract for the ‘acknowledgements’, ‘dedication’, etc,,, you’re left with usually twenty-five pages of the book; just enough to thoroughly suck you in and make you want to buy the whole thing. There’s even a little button at the top of the page that says ‘Buy Now’, just one little tap from your finger and the whole book could be yours! It’s just that easy, and just that much more difficult. My rational brain says ‘according to your budget, and projected income in the coming weeks you have three dollars to your name!’ But the addict in me says, ‘there’s twelve dollars in the coin jar at home, and there’s a Coinstar just around the corner at the CVS, maybe I could put it all on a CVS gift card then use that card to purchase a B&N gift card from the gift card tree in the store?’ Sigh – Why do I have to be a rational person? If I were truly an addict I would do whatever it takes to get my next fix, maybe even turn to prostitution! Alas, not an option. But a second (legitimate) job might be; I wonder if B&N is hiring? The point of this entry was to express my frustrations with book samples though. I can only equate it to being on the edge of an orgasm only to have someone knock on your door wholly interrupting what would have been the best ever orgasm of your life (alone or by yourself). And the book sellers know what they’re doing. They suck you in get you all comfortable with the main character, introduce a possible love interest, or antagonist, cut to the scene where a defining moment is about to take place, ““Very funny.” Adrian thought so. “So?” Sierra stared ahead, [End of Sample]”. COME ON, Chasing Love by Ronica Black! Forty-eight pages into it, but after the title page, synopsis, credits, ‘by the author’ and dedication, you’re really only thirty-three pages into the story. Thirty-three pages of “She was on the hunt” and “it pooled and pulsed behind her clit, causing that sweet, sharp ache in her loins.” Really!? You’re going to cut me off when the main character had hooked up with and was on her way to her house with a sure thing! You’re going to rob me of that scene! So not humanely right, but I’m sure it sells a lot of books. Just not to me, yet. And I’ve put myself through this torture with five other samples so far with two more in the wings. On the one hand I do appreciate the sample theory that at least I’m not buying a whole book that after the first ten pages is a total dud. But, I’m sampling books from a genre I love and adore! In the one hundred twenty-three books I’ve read so far there have only been six I’ve regretted (they didn’t offer any samples). The six that caused me to realize I was an addict, because otherwise why would I keep torturing myself with the series when I knew from the first book how horribly written it was. But I just had to know what next hurtle lay in the way for Catherine and Jace and the cast of characters surrounding them. I let myself look beyond the cut-off love scenes; I think the favorite words of the author’s were “and in the morning…” or “waking up in each others’ arms…” seriously? And, although it was filed under lesbian romance I kept reading when it became apparent that it was complete fantasy! Oh, and reading a sample did save me from buying a book written by an obviously limited author whose vocabulary could most closely be compared to the artful diction of Snookie. But, otherwise, sampling books from the lesbian romance genre for me is kind of like tying to only eat one Pringle, then shelving the can. Oh, I can do it, but you better believe I’m reaching for another Pringle from another can; did you know there are over a hundred and one flavors of Pringles worldwide? http://www.nowthatsnifty.com/2011/03/101-pringle-flavors-from-around-world.html Pringles be dammed, I will keep sampling, and I will keep groaning at the end of the sample in frustration but at least it’s giving me an idea of just how much money I’m going to need, maybe I can actually budget it in!? Way to go, Rational.

Priceless

There are a lot of really expensive hobbies out there in the world; photography, mountain biking, sailing; can traveling be a hobby? My point is, just about anything we do for fun is expensive, or at least costs something; nothing is free unless you count walking naked around your house, but even then you’re paying for the roof over your head and the electricity to keep your naked ass warm, but I digress. With the plethora of words written out there in the world; especially on its wide web, that you can read for just the cost of your internet provider you’d think that the hobby of reading would be a rather cheap one. So when I discovered books and the ease at which I could read and enjoy them I thought finally, an affordable hobby. To date, this year alone mind you, I’ve already spent over a thousand dollars of my own money (this does not include the gift cards I’ve received) on books and e-books. $1,012.87 of my own money has gone towards reading; this does not include the cost of my Nook either (happy Easter to me from the Easter Bunny A.K.A. Mom and Dad). Despite the cost of this accidental hobby I have to say that I’m really happier for it, I can’t imagine a better use of a grand of my dough.

The stories I’ve read have lead me to research their authors which lead to taking a class about how to become an author, which all lit a fire inside me to write my own stories. The idea that affecting anyone with my words as Gerri Hill, Meghan O’Brien and Karin Kallmaker have affected me is almost unfathomable, but I want to try.

I’ve made Facebook friends with some of my favorite authors, which in the grand scheme of the real world really means nothing, but just the idea that the women behind some of my favorite stories so far are actually so, ‘approachable’? I’m not sure if approachable is really the word I’m looking for, but for example, back on my birthday, popular lesbian author Karin Kallmaker wished me a happy birthday on my wall; she still hasn’t responded to my e-mail requesting advice for aspiring authors, but never the less she wrote on my wall! It would break my heart, I think, to find out that she actually has an employee who does her Facebook stuff for her, so please don’t tell me if you know that to be true, thanks. But the excitement that I experienced from that one little post, from someone whose writing I admire; priceless.

One of the smartest commercials I think ever written has to be the MasterCard commercials. Literally, you can apply just about anything to that one quote: Nook Color - $400 on debit MasterCard. Collection of E-books: $1,012.87 on debit MasterCard. Inspiration for writing the next New York Times Best Seller: Priceless. Hey, if I’m going to aim at something might as well aim high, right? Maybe shooting for the moon is a bit high though, I wouldn’t mind grazing the tops of the GCLS or the Lamda Litterary awards. I hope to one day have put my money where my keyboard is, but until then I think even just posting these blogs is fulfilling a bit of a writers’ dream of mine. I know no one reads these, but it’s still fun just to post. It’s exciting in a geek way to hit the post button and realize that whatever I just wrote could possibly be read by someone, and no matter what I can’t take it back.

I have no ego about my writing; I know for a fact that maybe only two people have read my blog entries, one of whom being my wife, but what I do have is fulfillment. I don’t know if other authors write to feel fulfilled or write to put food on the table, but I think that it really shows in the techniques and stories portrayed by those authors that aren’t in it for the money. Ok, sure there really isn’t that much money in it as I’m sure they’d all tell me, but still, there’s enough to tempt the inept.

Nothing worth having is free; I’m sure some notable person said that, but my dad’s always said it to me. My parents, however have given me so much and never expected anything in return – repayment or otherwise. It’s my dream one day to be able to use what they’ve given me to be able to give back to them. So if the next book I read on my Nook ends up inspiring me to finish my novel, and then I read some e-mail on it from Karin telling me how to submit my story for publication, etc… it’ll be priceless to see the look on my parents face when I tell them I’m a published author.  The one thing I do have an ego about is the knowledge of how much my parents love me and really cheer for me to be doing what makes me happy. And then maybe I’ll send them to Bonaire if I happen to make any money at it, the ability to do that for them would for me be: priceless.

What's happening?

Question: Hey Bev, why aren’t there more blog entries?

Answer: Too busy reading.

-Pause for snickers (not the candy bar)-

My Normal

I’ve never known something to have so much blatant power over me, or have I? Given what I know about me (when I stop long enough to think about it) I’m not sure why I’m shocked. I collected baseball cards as a kid, but I couldn’t just have the one card of my favorite player I had to have the entire collection of cards from that season. I couldn’t just have Barbie, I had to have Malibu Barbie and the one that came with the wedding dress and the Cowgirl Barbie, and Skipper and not just regular Ken but Malibu Ken too. Never mind how I played with the dolls, that’s a topic for another blog, but just the fact that once I got into them I had to have them all; or at least as many as my parents could afford to get me. The past few weeks of not being able to purchase any new books has been made only slightly bearable with the ability to download samples of books for free, and the fact that I realized that I had purchased a book a while ago that I hadn’t yet read; I just finished “Substitute for Love” by Karin Kallmaker. I can remember at the time of its purchase that I didn’t actually want to read it because I felt that maybe it would hit too close to home. I was right of course, and several places in the book made me cry, but I still managed to get through it in three days. Yesterday though, when I probably should have been working, I was busy putting together a wish list of all the Karin Kallmaker books I could find online. Unfortunately for me the majority of her books are for sale on the Bella Books website so they are typically two dollars more than they would be on B&N, and while I’d love to say “but it’s for a good cause, the cause of an authors livelihood” I know it’s only going to make my checking account all the more strained. But because I know I have to read everything by her I’ll do it, I’ll find a way to make it happen, if it means taking on a second job. Today, finally, I bought the third story in the Provincetown Romance series by Radclyffe. I have a long way to go still, before I read everything by her but I’ll get there; I’ve already finished the ‘Honor’ and ‘Justice’ series respectfully. Never having been a reader for pleasure I never even gave it a thought that this is what it would be like but now that I’m caught up in the throes of it, it’s kind of comforting knowing that this is my normal. Other authors I’ve already read everything from; Gerri Hill and Meghan O’Brien; not sure if Jerri Estes counts in this category since she’s only written one book but I’m throwing her in here too; Catherine Friend, and Colette Moody. I’ve even read the obscure stuff from Gerri Hill that I found on The Royal Academy of Bards website. I fear that this too I will “grow out of” as I did with baseball cards and Barbie dolls, but do I really need to? I once heard someone say that “everyone has something”, what was implied by the ‘something’ I plead naïve, but if e-books is my ‘something’, then I must be just like everyone else; nothing wrong with that. Okay, so I just edited out the part of the previous sentence about reading being my addiction, but only because the word addiction carries with it such a negative connotation. Even the synonyms listed for addiction are no better; compulsion, obsession, infatuation, but I guess that’s the nature of the synonym no matter how you spell it, they all mean the same thing, but I digress.

Confessions of an e-book junkie

I’ve never been a ‘reader’. Reading for pleasure never before occurred to me as something to do. Before this year, specifically January 24^th, you could have asked me what the last book I read had been and I would have answered “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows” but with this disclaimer ‘I didn’t personally read it, my wife read it out-loud to me and occasionally when her voice got tired I’d read to her’. There was a brief moment in time as a teenager when I tried to get into Stephen King: I was laid up with a dislocated knee so my aunt gave me a couple of his books, “Cujo” and “Misery”, I made it through Misery although the story and descriptions I could swear made my leg hurt worse! Then, half way through Cujo I was sitting by the window in my room reading it when, at a very intense part of the story when Cujo was attacking the car, our big black Lab decided he needed to jump up on my window and bark at me. After throwing the book across the room and screaming, I laughed hysterically at myself, but I never managed to finish the book; I was fifteen. I’m now thirty-five and I’ve just discovered an affinity for reading. Since 1/24/11 I have read sixty books (some twice but only counted once), yes mathematicians that works out to about eight and half books a month. It helped that I discovered a genre of writing that I thoroughly enjoy, Lesbian romance, erotica, and or suspense. Who knew there were even such things? I first stumbled across the genre while deciding what to spend my Barnes & Noble gift card on. I couldn’t tell you why my parent’s always got me a B&N gift card at Christmas, I’m sure my mother was hoping that I would use it to buy something to read, anything really, a magazine or maybe a cookbook; my parents love my cooking. But, in previous years I always spent the card on stuff like calendars or music, or I held on to it to buy gifts for other people. This year I couldn’t tell you what motivated me to actually want to buy a book, but I approached the purchase as I do anything else, I researched it. I Googled Lesbian romance authors and somehow I landed on the Bella Books website. Bella publishes nothing but lesbian authors and or lesbian stories. In perusing the Bella website I discovered the author Gerri Hill. When I went to the B&N website and saw that they had a couple of Gerri’s books I figured they must have them in store too. But, when I went to my local B&N store looking for these gay fiction novels, I searched for twenty minutes with no luck; finally I had to ask someone where to locate this particular genre. Why in the hell would B&N park gay and lesbian fiction under ‘Cultural Studies’? Anyway, I scooped up three of Gerri Hill’s novels, and I’ve never looked back. I proceeded to purchase the entire Gerri Hill library in paperback form from Bella Books. I started joking with my parents that it sure would be nice if the Easter bunny brought me a Nook for Easter. Low and behold the Easter bunny did bring me a Nook! And so began my e-book addiction. August marked for me a wake-up call after tracking one hundred and twenty dollars worth of e-book purchases I decided that I needed to impose a purchasing freeze on myself. Now I’m not to exceed one hundred dollars which is ten books from B&N.com. One hundred dollars is a lot, but come on, I’m not going to go cold-turkey; I figure I’ll cut back gradually, and maybe force myself to read slower. All I know is I need to do something because maxing out my credit card; which by the way, I had to take off my B&N account and give my debit card info (thinking this would temper my spending) but it only made the dire situation more evident when I realized that I needed to borrow money from my wife so I could make sure all the bills got covered! They say acknowledging you have a problem is the first step to recovery, “hello world, I have a reading problem!”